Fitness Retreat Debrief




What the fuck. All that time, effort, money, sacrifice, willpower, for 2.2kg.

I still can’t get over that!




Fitness Retreat Day 6

Poor guy. I hate animal cruelty & exploitation, ever present in Thailand.

Today is Sunday & our day off, but our determined little dream team are throwing the rule book out the window & going for out usual morning walk. I am keen to make the most of my opportunity so I run most of the route in good time. I retire to my room to wash my laundry & start packing & I have a late breakfast. I am getting really hungry now & I’m undecided whether it is because the end of fasting is near or because I’m cutting out some of my charcoal drinks because they are becoming increasingly intolerable to take.

On Sundays the centre provide a taxi for 4 hours so the inmates can go sightseeing. We went to see a waterfall, a mummified monk & a very suggestive rock. I am a terrible tourist & detest the incessant production line of tourists doing the same thing & taking very little from the whole experience.

The street food looked amazing today but I was not tempted one iota to break my fast. I have to commend myself. This is my 6th day surviving on liquids alone & I’m not faring too badly. I hope I can take this as evidence that I have the ability to cope with no food.

Cock rock

The inmates are wonderful! They are funny & kind & very determined, admirable humans. We have some new people in the group including couples which I think is bizarre. I would not want to take my other half somewhere to see me do a daily colonic. I dread to think how they manage when they do their liver cleanse in sync & demand for the toilet exceeds the supply….

Look how much this Asian guy is sweating. You can guess how bad this pasty Irish was coping in the heatwave!

After our tour I was exhausted & went straight to bed with my book only getting up to for soup because I am starving! I wolfed 2 bowls of soup & a ginger tea before retiring back to my room for F1 – what a treat! I am lethargic, hungry & feeling not quite myself. Tomorrow is my last day & I am getting weighed & measured. I am feeling very anxious about this. I have followed the diet to a tee & even undertook extra activities & avoided the teas to ensure I didn’t consume caffeine. I will be really upset & disappointed if I don’t get the results I want & so clearly have earned.

I have witnessed other people busting their chops & being disappointed with their results & someone else slept through most of the set exercise sessions & lost quite a bit. It seems so unfair. I wouldn’t be surprised if I lose 2kg or less tomorrow. I would be very happy with 4kg.

Now to sleep through this hanger & rest well for my final day tomorrow.

Fitness Retreat Day 5: Post liver cleanse

Warning: Please don’t read at breakfast, if you are queasy or aren’t into disgusting details about my bum or poo! I completely understand! Apologies in advance!

My alarm is set for 6am for my third epsom salt mixture which goes down with difficulty. A fellow inmate has come to check on me & he seems surprised I am doing so well. I have a dooming feeling that my strife is still ahead of me. Before 8am one of the staff members come to check on me & they are also surprised I am quite perky & haven’t been on the toilet all night. I take my forth & final epsom salt mixture, go to the bathroom, wait an hour or more then I go to the main area for a coconut water & my morning carrot juice. By this stage I’m feeling so bloated & uncomfortable. Everyone thinks I got off easy with my liver cleanse but I know it isn’t over.

The juices seem to do the trick & soon enough I am back on the toilet with a bowl of yellow bile. Please tell me this detox is good for me & I’m punishing my body for a faddy quick health fix! I feel really terrible so I lay in bed, miss my juices & manage to peel myself up 2 hours later for my massage. A massage is probably not a good idea, or a safe one in my delicate condition but I love massages so I can’t resist. I make it through the massage without any leakage issues & have to go & take my nutrients & another juice after. I’m feeling great at this point & having a laugh with me fellow inmates.

Next up is my colonic. This was hell. My poor bum was already sore from all the acid I’d been expelling & the colonic cramped up my stomach the whole time. I was getting hot sweats & a lot of discomfort. By this stage there was nothing solid left in me. Fasting, the charcoal husks & colonics for the last 4 days have completely emptied me of any waste I was storing up. After an hour & a half of discomfort I think I’m done. I climb into bed & try to nap it off.

I got up in time for soup at 5pm & only managed 1 bowl instead of my usual 2. I was feeling a bit lethargic & sorry for myself but, despite my unsteady legs, when someone mentioned a swim I quickly joined them. It’s so peaceful relaxing in the warm water in the last hues of sunset. We chatted for 2 hours watching the world go by before making our way out of the dark sea. I’m meeting some really interesting lovely people at this retreat. I’m so glad day 5 is over & I hope to be back to my normal self by the morning.

Fitness Retreat Day 4: Koh Samui, Thailand

Today I am doing a liver cleanse! I have been slightly concerned about this as I have put my liver through hell with all the booze I’ve drank from my mid teens to about a month ago. I seemed to have ceased drinking alcohol & have not even had 1 drop for over 5 weeks now. My friends are asking where nuala is & what have I done with her. In reality it is very expensive to continue my border alcoholic behaviour on my shoestring budget. A beer has been roughly equivalent to 1 nights accommodation & by forgoing the beer I see I can afford many more nights accommodation & enjoy a longer trip. It’s basic math.

When I’m travelling solo I’m not a big drinker because I have to have my wits about me & be capable & in control. I know I can easily slip through my tolerance point & I’m not going to take this risk. I have also been associating alcohol consumption with gluttony recently. What’s the difference between me sitting down to 3 beers than sitting down to 3 tubs of Ben & Jerry’s? My body does not need it, it has zero nutritional value & only keeps me away from being a more comfortable size.

The liver cleanse day is a normal day until 1pm when I take my soup & as much water as I can chug until 2pm. Then I fast without my usual liquids. Instead I am given a mixture of epsom salts & water at intervals of 6pm, 8pm, 6am & 8am. I also get a salad dressing type concoction to take at 10pm. It contains orange juice, oil & . At this stage any liquid will be welcome to me as I am used to drinking so much water now.

I feel physically great with no complaints & my 6pm first epsom salt solution goes down without a fuss. I go to the bathroom once before my 2nd epsom salt solution at 8pm. I go to the bathroom once after this & I’m patiently waiting for the grand expulsion other people spoke off. I feel grand & the lack of water hasn’t even bothered me. At 10pm I take the orange oil mixture which is similar to a salad dressing. It didn’t taste too bad but there was just sos much it was making me feel nauseous. I wait, & wait & wait & nothing.

Fitness Retreat Day 3: Koh Samui, Thailand

Sunrise run views

This morning I felt dreadful. My run was much tougher than the day before I felt so hot & lethargic the whole time. My favourite songs couldn’t even motivate me to run faster or for longer. Music is my hypothetical whip which motivates me to push myself. My whip was broken today. I lay on my bed as soon as I got back & it took all my energy to get up for a shower & go for my breakfast juice. I don’t have the energy to smile & chat to people. I’m not my normal self. I’m not starving or pining for food – don’t get me wrong, if I was allowed food I would take it without hesitation. I want to hide in my room & sleep but I go through the motions of yoga, meditation, sauna, talking to people (one of my favourite hobbies!). Even my massage didn’t pick me up. Then I had another colonic to face. I was completely uninspired.

At 3pm our group exercise was weights & I felt I was coming back to myself as the 3 fabulous female participants danced & grinded our way through the weights with cheesy 80s throwback songs. The Thai kitchen staff even came out & joined us to throw some moves! Music & good company is a recipe for a good time, even when you’re working out during a Thai heatwave!

I went for a lovely cycle after the workout & promised myself a new bike when I stand still again. When I got back I downed my 2 bowls of soup then jumped into the beautiful sea. I’m so relieved my mood has lifted & I feel myself again. Hopefully it is my body adjusting to these changes in a positive way. People say it’s toxins leaving the body but I’m not convinced… I hope that will be my lowest point of the program. I say this highly optimistically as I have a liver cleanse tomorrow which is supposed to be really tough.

My ear just popped & it was better than an orgasm

My sinuses are driving me crazy. Since I took 2 flights last Monday I have been suffering flu like symptoms: heavy face, stuffed ears, runny nose, sore throat, muscle aches & 100% resting bitch face.

I’ve also got my period for the first time in 6 months. My periods are hit & miss on being regular, my body goes through phases thanks to the contraception I use (currently Implanon, the contraceptive implant). I am happy when my period doesn’t come because I don’t have to go through the incredible back pain that comes with them, which rendered me helpless 4 days a month for most of my teens.

I was thinking about my last period in December & recalled that I also had the cold at the time. Coincidence??? A quick bit of research showed that this happens to a lot of people. Like clockwork, when they get their period they automatically get cold like symptoms. EVERY MONTH. It’s a thing!

The mere fact of the cruel existence of this condition upsets me greatly. My boobs are sore, I’m bloaty, irrational, in pain & discomfort & now you want my other orifaces to seep. Oh the agony & intensity. Sleep – my great pleasure has been whisked from me. It is now a time dedicated to coughing, blowing my nose & moving to various positions to stem the nose flow. I am so angered that my nose blows are violent & aggressive. My skin is sore & red & my eyes bulge at the unnecessary pressure & force from behind them.
 After 17 days of my period (yes, I am a trooper) & 16 days of period induced flu like symptoms I can cautiously & reverently say I think it’s over. I won’t crack open the champagne just yet but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. After this episode I hope to stay within the light for at least another 6 months! My light was what I like to refer to as my aural orgasm… & boy was it incredible!
I popped my ear in the bathroom. I wasn’t even aware it required popping. I think it’s been like that for 2 days & had become my auricular norm. By God it was fucking fantastic! I can hear!!!!! Life is on the up! There is hope! Only you are your saviour! Pop your hypothetical ears. Save yourself! See the hope & light!

Spring clean… for my colon

It’s that time of the year when people clear out their homes & do a thorough clean for the summer. As a nomad I have no home to spring clean. I don’t have enough belongings on me to do a big clear out. I still want that cleansed, revived feeling.

Feeling like a snail carrying their home around me, I thought I could spring clean me! Or more specifically – my colon. I went for a colonic during my trip at home. I’m getting older & there are so many things I’m half interested in & never persued,  a colonic being one of them. I expect it to be uncomfortable but I also expect a feeling a starting anew. Maybe they will find a crayon I ate when I was 3 & couldn’t digest? Maybe a piece of lego which has been lodged in there for decades, hindering my digestive process? I hope to feel like a new woman, cleansed & ready to face the world!

During the hydrotherapy I felt quite uncomfortable & bloated. The water just made my stomach feel so full & achey. I didn’t release anything into the tube which was slightly disappointing I guess.  My nurse was so lovely & made me feel at ease. I couldn’t have had a better person. I asked the therapist to stop 5 mins early so I could go to the bathroom. I felt like I needed the bathroom & I wasn’t wrong. It was so weird because there was a lot of water as well from the treatment. I felt much better after that! 95% of that bloaty full feeling left me. I finished my treatment then as there were only 5 mins left & I didn’t fancy feeling uncomfortable & bloated again.

I stayed in the bathroom for a good 10 mins to make sure there was nothing left in me. I had a busy afternoon of shopping & meeting friends & I was afraid of an accident – although I was assured that this is highly unlikely. I was advised to eat well for the next few days or I will undo all the good work. I had an array of boozy meals planned with my friends I haven’t seen in a long time so I opted out of the clean eating.

I wouldn’t rush back to get another however I don’t regret my decision to have one. I wouldn’t rule out getting another in the future. I’m sure I will feel better as a result.