Travel day!

With 3 hours sleep & miserable as fuck from my cold & hatred of flying I attempt to embrace my day of travel.    *sigh*

This will be my 18th flight in 12 months.    *sigh*

I am perplexed at how I can afford all these flights & how I managed to actually have the will to live to take them. For me that shows a certain strength of character & my determination to travel & explore. All of these flights have been alone. I think all my flights excluding 6 in the past 13 years have been alone. I’m not sure how to travel with a companion now. It would be strange…..

Packing was as drawn out & relentless as ever. I now know that my issue is that I’m too resourceful & see potential use in all my belongings. If only it was as easy as packing my clothes, cosmetics, entertainment & travel documents. I am packing herbs that I struggle to find, chocolate I know my friends will love, secret santa gifts, forward planning birthday gifts, homely comfort items, rehab kit, etc. I need to streamline this. A lot.

I am also a bit scatty. I take it too far. I love my home comforts but sadly that’s where I have to leave them. I also didn’t check the side compartments of my luggage until my bag was being weighed at check in – a tanning mitt & table ping pong set were waiting patiently from my flight from Italy over 2 months ago. I really need to get my act together!

Yet again I am travelling into the relative unknown. I’m going back to my favourite winter home, a beautiful ski resort in Switzerland. This will be my third Christmas here, the unknown aspect is with regards to my work & the duration of my stay. I am going to be working for a nannying company & hopefully I’ll be able to pick up other work during the busier times. I am staying as long as I have work, or until I get bored or something else comes up. I’m always on the lookout for a new adventure and path.

I presume I will stay for a month at least. By then I should have come up with something new & had a good catch up with my wonderful friends. I need to recharge my soul with the fantastic bunch of people I am privileged to call my friends. Laughing, hugging, drinking & dancing. I can’t wait for it all to begin!

Merry Christmas!

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My 8 secrets for a cringe free massage

My office

My office

I work in the field of Sports Rehabilitation & massage, normally high end massages in luxury ski resorts or on the other end of the spectrum with sports teams. Looking forward to the upcoming ski season got me thinking about this & what may be some valuable insider information & words of advice for massage therapists everywhere.

Some of the chatter amongst my colleagues circles around when male clients get erections during treatments. I find this massively inappropriate, although hilarious because it is not happening to me of course. It has never happened to me. This situation has happened to my friends many times. Never me. Should I be offended?? I have a 0% erection record & I am determined to maintain this. I started calculating how many massages I have done & dreading that via the law of probability I had one approaching imminently.

I have thus constructed guidelines that I have been living by so I can avoid this situation. These are my tips for when doing massages in a client’s home/chalet. If you work in a spa or with a team you will also be able to adapt & implement some of the tips.

1>Always look sweaty, out of breath & flustered – made believable as you have had to haul your treatment table & kit in the snow for a 20 minute incline whilst more than likely lost & late. This is the client’s first impression of you so it should make a lasting mark. Out of breath panting could be added in a strictly non sexual manner.

2>Exude a simple innocence. A great opportunity to do this is when taking your shoes off. Try to do this when you’re still carrying your treatment table & kit bag. This will look exceptionally awkward & you will inevitably stumble over. This acts to remove any sexual inclination the client may have towards you.

3> Smile. It’s always great to smile. There is no need to be rude to the client. This also discards the mysterious air that men find attractive in moody cows.

4> Be a bit of a mess. This will lower the client’s expectations of you from your initial poor impression digging further the hole of unattractiveness that you want to be consumed by. It’s always helpful to set up your treatment table in a tiny box room, making it physically more difficult will aid in making you look like a hot mess. An unattractive hot mess. While you’re at it why not move the furniture, try to locate plugs & mess around with plug adaptors for your electric blanket.

5> Require pity. When calling the client to commence the massage be sure to look apologetic for your entrance & how long it took you to set up – despite it being a humanely commendable duration to do everything. By mentioning that it took you a long time the client will consider it to have been long & think even less of you. He may doubt your capabilities as a massage therapist, which is a risk. You should easily be able to redeem yourself via your treatment. This lingering sense of disappointment will abolish any sexual tendencies the client may have towards you.

6> The treatment. Carry out an excellent treatment as always. Never compromise on quality, your skills & professional reputation.

7> Chin alignment. At all times keep your head tilted downwards creating a multi chin effect. From the angle your client is at this will be wildly exaggerated & no man or beast would contemplate a sexual encounter with the likes of you.

8> Facial expression. This is your gift to freestyle with. Think unsexy & repulsive. Be as natural as you can with this. It is surprisingly simple to master these looks. In some cases this may actually be your neutral facial expression! So simple! They are highly successful in discouraging an erection.

I hope these tips help you to avoid those those flag pole moments. I can’t imagine the horror in having to deal with this situation – if you have experienced it, please comment & if you have any tips to add please share them.

Snakes & Ladders – my career ladder

January 2014

It looks like I’m getting itchy feet again after only being back in Switzerland for a month. I swear this condition is terminal.d6394e5ca3fe11e28ddc22000a9f15db_5

I’m starting to see superyacht jobs being advertised for the upcoming season….. I’m being sucked in by Formula One job advertisements despite my distinct lack in any aerodynamic or basic mechanic skill. There are also massage therapist positions in beautiful exotic resorts.

I will do my usual apply-for-everything-&-hope-for-the-best routine. I can only imagine where I will end up! I can’t wait to find out if it is a positive step on my career ladder or a snake to the depths of the slimey, scaley snake pits of hell…..

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Bitches Be cleaning

Cleaning. This is my new life.

I am now cleaner extroardinaire in no less than 4 establishments, where I am highly commended for my adeptness in all that is spick & span – to spectacular standards.

Dust & fingerprints are my krytonite & I don’t mean to sound like I’m big headed but I am fucking SMASHING THEM!

I have perfected the cleaners’ slut drop to quickly polish toddlers fingerprints from glass doors.

I am highly proficient in the cross eyed ‘is that a streak in the glass?’ studious stare – I look like I’m trying to crack a magic eye puzzle. I am fairly confident I will sprain a pupil before the end of the season. One of the chalets is approximately 80% glass….

I have battled as a petite lady making superking beds & relished in the satisfaction of the ease of making up a toddlers cot – Is this how it feels for tall/regularly heighted people to make beds?

I have not successfully mastered the art of hoovers. Two have ceased to suck for no logical reason while one agressively gave me electric shocks. Another made a crude attempt at acting like a trip wire – I broke that bad ass hoover, then whimpered & fixed it in a panic.

I have the proprioception of an agile mountain goat when it comes to cleaning the glass panels bordering the swimming pool. I would like to take this opportunity to thank the multi million pound chalet designer for allowing the ledge I have to balance on to be the exact length of my foot but not quite the space my ass requires. I know this will only get worse for me as my booty flourishes at all the dirty mark slut drops I’ve been doing.

My fitness has plateaued at the level of near collapse with aphyixiation combined with the legs of a bambi on ice when I get to the top floor of the chalet. How is my fitness not improving? I work damn hard for hours every day. How are my legs not big & strong like an ox?! I expected to be practically a centaur by now. Why are my arms not borderline Madonna toned?? How is my lung capacity not superhuman?!
I am starting to question altitude training as one massive performance enhancing cover up.
I’m on to you all *points at athletes ‘altitude training’*

I do love things about my job too…. When annoying guests leave, admiring the guests’ expensive make up, noticing things that remind me that multi billionaires are just normal people, singing my way through changeover days, my colleagues and free stale bread. This is how I’m living my current dream.

As an aspiring yacht stewardess I know this experience will be invaluable for my CV. I can’t help but wonder how tedious cleaning will be on a superyacht & what am I letting myself in for??

For the record I am still eternally on call for my actual massage therapist job…… *Looks wistfully at phone*

The Other Side

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I am delighted to report that I have made it to the other side. I have unpacked, settled into my new home, met up with my friends for drinks & contracted altitude related VerbiAids. It happens to even the most seasoned seasonnaire.

I have left my native Ireland for my second ski season in Switzerland. I am working in a beautiful & exclusive resort as a masseuse & sports rehabilitation therapist. I won’t even begin to describe how striking my surroundings are. I will attempt to transport you here via photography however the only way to fully appreciate the beauty is in person.

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I am being hugged by the Swiss Alps. They are comforting, superior & extraordinary. They elevate my mood & render me speechless. They exude class & unrivalled perfection. I feel so blessed to be able to call this home.

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Packing – my personal hell

So here I go, on my travels again.

If I give you the impression that I enjoy travelling – please do not be deceived. My family & friends on twitter will tell you that the whole process of packing, getting to the airport, flying & getting to my destination accumulate to an extraordinarily prolific stress peak in my merry contentment. I am my own worst enemy in this domain. I have a sharp mind for conceptualising how dynamic & invaluable every item can be. Yes, I see the potential in my favourite ripped pyjamas, old phone – I know you will come in handy, 3 eyebrow pencils to be on the safe side…. At this rate I am going to be the looking like a tramp with fierce scouse brows, a phone I can’t operate & incredibly horrific posture from carrying everything.

I certainly don’t make things easy for myself. I insist on visiting people who I haven’t seen in a long time, catching up on gifts I haven’t given & gifting people whose birthdays I will be missing. Everything I haven’t had time to do gets wedged into this last week before I leave. Understandably my suitcase, which has been treated ashamadly badly, is bidding for it’s desired exit plan. Combustion. I know with all my heart that the day I go to collect my beloved suitcase to find my belongings have exploded without my close thsupervision is ebbing closer. It will be like a massacre of my livelihood. I am expecting this to occur when I return from a trip where i have went wild shopping at some sort of sex convention….. I take comfort that God’s humiliations upon me are becoming somewhat predictable.

So here I go. Completely exhausted, anxious & living in fear about travelling. Not exactly my chosen path to my new life in Verbier. I take comfort these feelings will disperse on the other side to make way for my excitement, thankfulness at how lucky I am & total & complete overwhelming joy. I know I will never change. This has been my pre trip routine since I was 16. Who would change me though? I love the thrill of getting away & the love of all the people I visit just before I go. I will never change & when I’m very old with my wrinkles & dismembered posture I will smile at my adventures & plan my next one.

In conclusion, 6 months worth of belongs do not fit in to 30kg. It can’t be done.