I have a wee dog. He is beautiful & the absolute love of my life. Yes, send your pity my way! It breaks my heart when I can’t hold him close & bury my face into his fur. My medical condition – the itchy feet – ensures that there is always a lot of distance between us & we go for months without seeing each other.
I never wanted to get a dog but I was pestered into it by a bullying psychopath. I then inherited him via a horrendous break up & his soft suede caramel fur dried up my copious tears. He was my soft, warm rock.
He comfortably resides in Ireland on the coastline, enjoying walks with his brother & pals. Even when I live in Ireland he doesn’t live with me I live in cities which he hates & I am usually out of the house all day & night with the multiple jobs I like to undertake.
In return for his everlasting friendship & comfort, I have rewarded him with abandonment. I have spent the majority of his life living outside of Ireland & pining endlessly for him. He recognises the sound of me dragging my overweight, stuffed suitcase down my stairs & his heart grows heavy & saddened. I always save his goodbye for last. I cuddle him close to my face, apologise to him & tell him I love him. I plant kisses on his soft body & face & a trickling tear gets soaked into him.
Motherly guilt combined with catholic guilt leave me an emotional wreck.
When I leave, I can only imagine what he goes through. The stages of grief, the denial when he vaguely recognises me via Skype, the memory when my name is mentioned in passing. Does he think I’ve died? When I come back to him does he think I have risen from the dead? Am I his mum in zombie form? What the fuck???
When I return he gets used to my company, the cuddles, the walks, endless praise, love & attention.
What do I do next? Of course. I bloody go away on some haphazard adventure, throwing him into this vicious circle of grief & abandonment.
*Sigh* I am a terrible mother.
I miss him everyday. He is the most rascal faced, cuddly, hilarious little guy I know. I love his mannerisms, his eternal relentless quest for anything remotely edible & his clever tactics to try to control his humans.